I'm Going To Have To Start Carrying A Digital Recorder

Jane and I drove to Mom's this evening. Here is our actual conversation:

Jane: Is this the way to Evan's house?

Me: You could get to Evan's house this way, yeah.

Jane: I thought so. I remember all these trees in this specific order.

(Less than one minute later)

Jane: You know those two big circles in front of you? [The Speedometer and the Tachometer]

Me: Yes.

Jane: They look like eyes. And those three circles between them look like a unibrow. I know what a unibrow looks like because I made one with ketchup on my giant chicken nugget at lunch today.

It Started With A Picture

This picture in fact:(That's Jerry Only, bassist for The Misfits)

I've noticed that I post frequently about the funny things that Daughter #2 does and says, and I don't mention Daughter #1 nearly as often. That's mainly because Lu is now old enough that she pays attention to the things that she says and does, whereas Jane has no such internal editor. The things she comes up with just come straight out. But Lu has her own kind of humor, and it's getting to be of an ever more sophisticated kind. The following is an exchange we had over email last night (While we were sitting no more than five feet away from another. We're a twenty-first century family for sure.)

I started it, sending her that picture with the subject "Your New Haircut" at 8:55 PM.

8:57: no thank u

8:57: I did not say it was an option.

8:58: i dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:59: Did I forget to install the capital letters on your computer? Do I need to check your shift key to make sure it works?

9:01: it works i just dont use it

9:02: You need to use it. I paid for the whole computer and if you're not using the whole thing then I'm not getting my money's worth. If you don't start using it, I may have to let Jane use it with the Caps Lock key on just to give the capitals a workout.

9:04: What do u want from me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

9:05: You are progressing nicely. Excellent use of a capital, although we English-speakers like to stick with just one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence.

(Also, u = you. Two extra letters makes all the difference.)

9:05: ...

At this point I turned to her and said, "You only sent three periods?" and she said, "Yeah, like this," and gave me this incredible look of disdain. It was awesome, hilarious and perfectly appropriate. That was the most fun ten minutes of my day yesterday.

A Lesson In Awesome

About a month ago Heather and I went to Jane's school for parent-teacher conferences. As we waited in the hallway we checked out some of the artwork that the kids had been doing. Apparently the assignment was to draw something regarding robots. So there were lots of things like "the robot cleans the dishes" and "the robot is my friend" and other boring typical second-grade fare. We searched for Jane's art, and once again she proves that she is the Queen of all Awesome:
If you're having trouble reading that, it says, "The toy robot burst into flames."

My kid RULES.

All This Diversity Is A Good Thing, Right?

Political correctness, my nemesis, has struck my childrens' textbooks, albeit in a mostly positive way. The readings that Jane does are constantly about some cultural group other than her own white middle American, which doesn't bother me, but it does have unintended effects. For example, today's take-home reading was about Chinese New Year. So now Jane, fascinated by learning one foreign-language phrase (which she reported to me, was "Chinese. Or Spanish. Or something like that"), has been walking around the house with a constant stream of ,"Gung hay fat choy," coming out her mouth.

A. Constant. Stream.

Over and over.

"Gung hay fat chooyyyyyy. Gung hay fat chooyyyyyy. Gung hay fat chooyyyyyy."

I love globalization. At least she is preparing herself for our Chinese overlords.

A Brief Conversation With Jane Stenger

Jane: "Mama said..."

Me: "Knock you out! I'm gonna knock you out!"

Jane: (Blank look) "Huh?"

Me: "Never mind."

Here's Something For You To Look Forward To

JANE: (In tears) Daddy, my nose hurts and I think there's something up my nose.

ME: Calm down. What do you mean you think there's something up your nose? What's up your nose?

JANE: I don't know.

ME: What do you mean you don't know? Did you put something up your nose?

JANE: (Crying harder) I don't know.

ME: What was it? How did it get in your nose?

JANE: (Crying so hard she can barely speak) I don't know.

ME: What side is it on?

JANE: (Pointing) This side.

So I pressed on her other nostril and told her to blow. And out came a small purple cylinder, approximately 3/8 of an inch long and a 1/4 inch wide.

ME: What is this?

JANE: (Still crying) I don't know.

ME: Did you put this up your nose?

JANE: I was just watching the movie and playing around and it just went up my nose.

ME: I think it's time for bed.

Learning To Read

I'm sitting in my recliner this morning, watching today's Daily Show.

Jane walks in the room, sits down in the other chair and picks up Heather's address book.

She begins reading from it. But only the zip codes. This goes on for a few minutes, Jon Stewart doing his thing, and Jane calmly but steadily reading a series of numbers.

I pause Jon and turn to Jane.

ME: "That's a little weird."

JANE: "What?"

ME: "Reading from an address book."

JANE: "Why?"

ME: "Most people just don't do it."

JANE: "Okay. I'll start over from A."

ME: "Great."